As the Snow Falls

Archive for March 2010

When I close my eyes,

I glance to the skies

And see your face

Imprinted

Where the clouds should rest

The waves crashing upon

The shore

Become your words gliding

Into my ears

Creating melodies,

I strain to hear

The sun on my skin

Becomes your hand

In mine,

Sending a shiver

Racing, up my spine

The heat spreading

Till I’m engulfed

In flames,

Then suddenly

I feel a pressure

On my lips

And flutter my eyelids,

Waking from my dream

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I love you

she says, a smile appears

I love you too, mom

I say, thinking that should be clear.

Or so I thought,

But I guess i thought wrong,

As my mom breaks down,

tears,

streaming,

Mom, I’m Sorry,

For whatever I did

I whisper, so silently

Why not louder?

Recently I’ve begun to see the true impacts going to boarding school has had on my mom. As y’all know, I’m a normal teenage girl so obviously I have my issues with my parents and this is even intensified by my excess freedom at school. Unfortunately, the same thing happens with my mom- she’s a loving parent, sometimes even a bit overprotective and she doesn’t want our mother-daughter bond broken, and with me being away at school I think she feels that it’s becoming stressed. At the same time, I just want space. I’m still a kid in ways, but more of an adult than ever before. I want advice from my  parents, but only when I ask for it, and the same goes for their help- but I don’t think they see it as an ask and tell basis, it’s either all or nothing. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m so strained between the two worlds of bugs bunny and rated R movies that sometimes it’s hard to tell how it affects not only me, but my mom.

To tell you the truth, I dearly miss those days- the days where I was completely immune to the world around me and the most important thing in the world was the upcoming trip to Disney, or the fact that bugs bunny would be on later in the afternoon. Now I’m confronted with all aspects of the world- politics, economics, money, education, world problems, family problems, and all those little things in people who bug you that you never saw when you were younger. Somehow, although all these things can be a burden, I’m happy that I’m able to care about them. I’d rather be aware than immune.

My mom is having a tough time with the fact that I’m no longer her little girl and I guess I hadn’t seen that before, but now that I have I think I’m going to take the extra step not to be a b*tch to her when she intrudes into my recently attained freedom from school. I know I can freak on her, but like I said, I’m a teenager.

In the recent days, I’ve come to wonder what people really think of me- you know, the ones who truly don’t know who I am, who just pass me in the halls with a smile, ‘hey,’ or nothing at all. And with that, it’s required to do a little bit of self-examination. With this self-examination I have come up with a few key things about my personality:

  1. I don’t get mad easily, irritated, maybe, but once you get me truly mad you should watch out.
  2. Unless you do something really bad, I can’t hold a grudge for more than a day.
  3. I’m a generally happy person.
  4. If you’re nice to me, I open up and talk a lot more than you’d probably expect (:
  5. I prefer guys as opposed to girls for friends. They’re more laid back. Although I generally hang out with girls face to face, if you look at who I talk to most the list is more than likely all guys.
  6. I’m a very creative person- any outlet for creativity, be that photography, drawing, painting or most of all music.
  7. And lastly, if you don’t know me you probably don’t know any of that. at all.

It’s funny when you do self-examination, and you find out things about yourself that you didnt’ really realize. ANother interesting thing is the thought of human conciseness. It’s a miracle just to see the things around you, to taste the plethora of spices on my dads garlic bread, to smell the cooking of chocolate chip cookies. Life is a gift. Do NOT waste it…