As the Snow Falls

Archive for the ‘life’ Category

I love you

she says, a smile appears

I love you too, mom

I say, thinking that should be clear.

Or so I thought,

But I guess i thought wrong,

As my mom breaks down,

tears,

streaming,

Mom, I’m Sorry,

For whatever I did

I whisper, so silently

Why not louder?

Recently I’ve begun to see the true impacts going to boarding school has had on my mom. As y’all know, I’m a normal teenage girl so obviously I have my issues with my parents and this is even intensified by my excess freedom at school. Unfortunately, the same thing happens with my mom- she’s a loving parent, sometimes even a bit overprotective and she doesn’t want our mother-daughter bond broken, and with me being away at school I think she feels that it’s becoming stressed. At the same time, I just want space. I’m still a kid in ways, but more of an adult than ever before. I want advice from my  parents, but only when I ask for it, and the same goes for their help- but I don’t think they see it as an ask and tell basis, it’s either all or nothing. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m so strained between the two worlds of bugs bunny and rated R movies that sometimes it’s hard to tell how it affects not only me, but my mom.

To tell you the truth, I dearly miss those days- the days where I was completely immune to the world around me and the most important thing in the world was the upcoming trip to Disney, or the fact that bugs bunny would be on later in the afternoon. Now I’m confronted with all aspects of the world- politics, economics, money, education, world problems, family problems, and all those little things in people who bug you that you never saw when you were younger. Somehow, although all these things can be a burden, I’m happy that I’m able to care about them. I’d rather be aware than immune.

My mom is having a tough time with the fact that I’m no longer her little girl and I guess I hadn’t seen that before, but now that I have I think I’m going to take the extra step not to be a b*tch to her when she intrudes into my recently attained freedom from school. I know I can freak on her, but like I said, I’m a teenager.

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In the recent days, I’ve come to wonder what people really think of me- you know, the ones who truly don’t know who I am, who just pass me in the halls with a smile, ‘hey,’ or nothing at all. And with that, it’s required to do a little bit of self-examination. With this self-examination I have come up with a few key things about my personality:

  1. I don’t get mad easily, irritated, maybe, but once you get me truly mad you should watch out.
  2. Unless you do something really bad, I can’t hold a grudge for more than a day.
  3. I’m a generally happy person.
  4. If you’re nice to me, I open up and talk a lot more than you’d probably expect (:
  5. I prefer guys as opposed to girls for friends. They’re more laid back. Although I generally hang out with girls face to face, if you look at who I talk to most the list is more than likely all guys.
  6. I’m a very creative person- any outlet for creativity, be that photography, drawing, painting or most of all music.
  7. And lastly, if you don’t know me you probably don’t know any of that. at all.

It’s funny when you do self-examination, and you find out things about yourself that you didnt’ really realize. ANother interesting thing is the thought of human conciseness. It’s a miracle just to see the things around you, to taste the plethora of spices on my dads garlic bread, to smell the cooking of chocolate chip cookies. Life is a gift. Do NOT waste it…

Eesh! Exams week is getting to me. Currently I have five more days left until spring break and those days will be jam-packed with essay-writing, studying, studying, studying and let me see, some more studying. I hate the end of term, but at the same time i love them.

It seems like we have to work wicked hard in order to be allowed those three weeks of miraculous rest. The way the school makes before break could be classified as a form of torture- at least in my opinion.

I sit in class, three days before it’s time to leave this dreary campus and go home. In my mind the palm trees are rustling around me, stirred by that southern wind. The seagulls flock the air, scrounging to for any food that they can find. The heat of the sun bores into my skin, and I am relaxed into a tropical paradise, and then with a slap of the book on the table, and a question asked to me, I am once again dragged into the dreaded world of winter testing. Although my vacation definitely won’t be spent in the Bahama’s or any other tropical place, I myself like to think that that’s what’s waiting for me when I’m driven off campus.

Currently, I have a french project, history paper, english project, and have to study for algebra 2a and bio, but I am forced to bear the repetitive pounding in my head and neck from this terrible headache. My mind is turning to mush as I write because of this headache. I think it might be a stress one, but what ever. I feel like there’s a battle going on in my mind, lets say the Civil War. the Confederates vs. the Union, battling to free themselves, and retake back the land that had succeeded. The cannons blast in my head and the rickashays bore into my brain, painfully destroying it.

While my capacity to concentrate on work has diminished, my capacity to make up weird stories has not. And with that I bid you adieu.

SO, yesterday I was in our school store trying to charge money to my parents account because I was out of money, which I guess is illegal, and I saw this kid who’s my friend, and another guy buying stuff for their end of term english project. The kid i’m friends with is on crutches and has been sick, so he’s been falling behind on homework, and since his partner does like nothing, I thought why not help them. When I asked him if he needed any help, he looked at me, but it wasn’t just like a normal look, it was different. It was as if he was trying to figure out my intentions, it was a look that when straight into my heart. I’m not really sure if he knows he gave me that look, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while. It was a very kind gaze.. and then he said that if I wasn’t busy, or bored then I could but he didn’t want to take me away from my project.

A lot of people don’t really like this kid- I mean they like him, but not all the time. This kid is very… old-fashioned and sometimes kinda harsh but I have a feeling he’s really sweet inside. Recently he’s started to talk to me more and more, so I don’t know. maybe something’s there.

During my ‘acting’ class today, aka ‘bravery 101’ we were given an assignment to write a love letter to someone you either a. currently have a crush on or b. used to have a crush on. You would think, that since I have a boyfriend, this would be a very simple and easy excercise but as it turns out, it isn’t. I feel like if I really liked this guy then i would be able to write a letter in a blink of an eye, and recite it without hesitation; thing is, I think we kinda rushed into this relationship so fast that I didn’t even have a chance to think about if i truly liked him or if i was just like ‘i need someone to cuddle with, hm how bout you?’  and it went from there; however slutty or bitchy that sounds i don’t care because I was lonely. now that I think about it, me and him together won’t work out in the long run. This was a bad idea in the first place- sure this has somewhat to do with his terrible kissing ability but also with the fact that I just don’t feel the same way for him that I should.. I should be able to write this letter. My problem is, is if I write it too him then it’ll encourage him more and he’ll think I really do like him. Currently, my options are:

a. Encourage him by writing the letter

b. tell him what I think, and maybe still write the letter

or c. break it off.

I’m going to write a letter write now to someone who i think is very easy to write too- my ex, and my best friend. i can talk to this guy about ANYTHING;; like he even knows the Alex problem

So here goes it

Dear soandso,

            As you read this letter here, you’re probably thinking one of two things- a. why did she send me a letter, and not just tell me or b. I already know this; who knows, you might be thinking both of those things. I’d just like to say I miss you.

            It’s been a long time since we were ‘us’, a couple, but it really doesn’t feel like it. I can remember it like yesterday, the days we almost got caught in class flirting, and those long conversations lasting until midnight- well past my bedtime. Who would have thought that with Ms.Prentis’ placement of seats you would become my friend, pencil-fighter, best friend, crush, boyfriend and eventually ex. Whether or not Ms.Prentis knows it she changed our eighth grade year forever.

            Remember that one time I almost told you I liked you? My fingers contemplated typing it into the AIM message box, and without thinking I pressed enter. My heart skipped a beat as I quickly covered up my mistaken entry of ‘i l y’ masking it as  I love yams. What a fool I was and I know you’ll never let me live it down.

            We share countless memories together, some involving friendship some involving more. I miss the feeling of waking up in the morning and knowing that you’ll be there racing your friends to see who can hug me first and the warm embrace I’d always get regardless of who was the winner. I miss that goofy smile you used to give me in the middle of class and the way you used to imitate me to no end- making me laugh,  resulting in some strange looks from a strange teacher. Most of all, I miss the absolute privilege of being able to see my best friend every day. No matter if I have an issue with you one day, flirty the next, or upset you can always count on the fact that you are my closest of close friends. While I have only a few ‘best-friends’ you know me inside and out. Even on the blurry connection of Skype you can read my expressions flawlessly and judge when something’s wrong even though I try my hardest to hide it. We’ve seen each other through the highs and lows of life and for that I’m grateful.

            We both have our special memories of what once was, and what will never be again and I’d just like to say that I won’t forget them. Playing soccer behind the middle school with a bag of Swedish fish handy, stealing a kiss in the elevator on the ride down to lunch when I was on crutches, blatantly flirting in the middle of class, that Memorial Day picnic- NOT fourth of July, with your family. Unfortunately I’ll still remember those last days of middle school- the dark days.

            The days where we avoided each other in the halls, our eyes meeting, only wrench my heart. I’m sorry for those days- they are my fault but you know they were inevitable.

I’d just like you to know that I’m doing great here at Loomis.. found someone I liked and everything. I know you’ll be proud but also jealous as hell.

Miss you.

Love you,

Sarah

Dear Matt,

Seeing as you’re bound to read this I thought I would leave you a post. As I have known you since kindergarten you are a very dear friend to me. hahaha, well sorta. You know me for me, not the me everyone else knows me for- and i can bet you were confuzed by that sentance which was the point.

Since Mario will show this to you anyways, I figured it can be your birthday present! Not very interesting I know. BUT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATT. I LOVE YOUUU!

~~SARAH 😀

So I’ve been ‘dating’ with this guy for the past week, the one aforesaid mentioned in a previous article and I have to say. Tonight was terrible. The fella can not kiss for his life.

Today, or should I say yesterday as I am up into the late hours of the night, our school had our winter dance- nothing formal, just a dance held by the parents for us to have fun at. Alex, he could not dance for his life at first; he had no rhythm and when i tried to grind with him it didn’t work out well. Eventually, he caught on, and it was going great. I have CCD, sunday school, this morning at 10:15 am so I told him that I was going to go at 10:30 so I could get some sleep; keeping to the plan we walked back to in front of my dorm (as I go to a boarding school..) and he kissed me goodnight.

Oh that kiss. It was just awkward and terrible. I never really appreciated how good my ex was at kissing because I hadn’t kissed anyone before him, but Alex.. oh my my. When he went I thought it was just a peck on the lips, and then would evolve into making out, but no he went straight for it. His teeth kept hitting mine, his tounge overwhelming my mouth and I was left walking away wiping my mouth from his slobber. It was nasty.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the guy, but if we are going to go out I want the kissing to at least be satisfactory and leave me wanting more instead of me wanting to run away. I feel as if thsi entire thing moved way to fast and we are going at it too quickly- i’ve only known the guy for a couple of weeks and I don’t think that’s enough to judge how he is.

Alex, while being sweet, is sort of socially awkward and NOT the most attractive guy. I’m thinking that with the grinding it’ll get better but i don’t know if I can bare much mroe of that. People with more relationship experience HELP ME PLEASE!